The Top Ten Worst Wedding Songs
Not playing songs like Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and Pink Floyd’s…well… anything at your wedding are common sense, folks. It’s not that they’re not great tunes, but you can’t dance to The Wall and you don’t want to have paramedics on stand-by when your parents try to slam dance. (Ah, those were the days. 90’s, you are missed!) With that in mind, either because they’re currently popular or are just plain fun, there are some songs that fall into the maybe-we-could-play-this category. The list below is comprised of such songs and although some may be so much fun to sing in your car or provide great insight at 3 a.m., ask yourself how would you feel watching your grandmother on the dance floor and getting her groove on?
1. Butterfly Kisses – Bob Carlise
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, lots of people play this song for the Father-Daughter dance. Yes, that’s true and also one of the reasons not to use it.*
Hi, newlywed, my love-of-this-minute. Hear this song? Yeah, it’s actually my reality-television-worthy way of saying you should have fought for that prenup.
3. You Can’t Always Get What You Want – Rolling Stones
Hi there again, newlywed. Hear this song? I had them play it for me, to convince me to stay with you. Let’s just hope the lyrics stick around after the champagne runs out.
4. Creep – Radiohead
Yeah, leave this one on your “Me, Blue” playlist.
5. Every Breath You Take – The Police
Scene: Groom and Bride dancing together at their wedding
Groom: I have a surprise for you!
Groom: I know about your Scooby Doo obsession.
Groom: Well… (Reaches behind head and pulls off mask) Jinkies, it’s me your stalker!
Bride screams, faints. Zoom in on maniacally laughing groom.
Fade to black.
6. Smack My Bitch Up – Prodigy
Bet you thought all that cookware on our registry was going into the kitchen, didn’t you?
7. Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-A-lot
We really want our wedding to have that karaoke/high-school dance/drunken early-90’s’s themed party feel. Enjoy! Next up, Ice Ice Ice Baby and No Scrubs. RIP Left Eye!
8. You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
Umm…we thought permanent emotional and mental scarring would be the perfect favor to give our parents, family and friends.
9. Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye
No, we really think it’s the perfect favor. Seriously.
10. Whistle – Flo Rida
Yeah, this song’s on iTunes best-sellers list. I’ll play it at my wedding and show I’m all up on what’s in. I’ll just bust my awesome moves and my Grandma will never notice the chorus starts with “can you blow my whistle baby?” Even if she hears it, she’ll never know. The double entendre is so complex.
BAD WEDDING SONGS
We’ve all heard our share at wedding receptions. Everything seems to be going well until the DJ makes a dreaded introduction and the speakers start churning out a funk that sends the guests to the bathroom and the bar. Nothing smokes out the party atmosphere faster than tuneage that’s the equivalent of an Alabama roadkill buffet. Here’s my list of songs that are on the landmine list when it comes to our reception; and yes, I’ve heard each of these songs at a wedding:
- Escape (The Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes
One word – “ouch.” This crap-tastic hit(?) from 1980 tells the shallow, cliché story of a couple coincidentally reuniting over their mutual search for extra-marital romance in the Personals section of the newspaper. “If you like Pina Coladas…” don’t come to our wedding, because they won’t be there.
- My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
This song goes on… and on… and on. Titanic hit the theatres when I was in high school, and I saw enough misty-eyed teenage-girl longing for DiCaprio-style romance to last a slow voyage across the Atlantic.
- The Safety Dance – Men Without Hats
This song isn’t funny or quirky. It’s just stupid. So don’t play it.
- Anything by Styx
Yes, I know Styx is popular with some people, and that Dennis DeYoung is from Chicago. I’d still rather be mauled by rabid bears than hear “Come Sail Away.” If you ask me, the only “grand illusion” was the quality of this band’s music. I’m officially sending Mr. Roboto away for reprogramming. Blech.
- I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) – Meatloaf
Something I won’t be doing? Playing this song.
- Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
- Rock ‘N Roll Part II – Gary Glitter
This isn’t Madison Square Garden or Rupp Arena. Gary Glitter will be sitting a few plays out at our wedding.
- Piano Man – Billy Joel
I respect Billy Joel as an artist, I just don’t care for his music that much. Besides, this song is vastly overplayed. Again, I’m fine with Mr. Joel: just not this tune.
- You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi
At a wedding? Ummm… no.
- Living On A Prayer – Bon Jovi
Okay, so I’m a jerk for rounding out this list with two songs from the same artist. And yes, Bon Jovi was HUGE when I was a little kid. I just feel like we could all leave the stonewashed jeans and Ocean Pacific gear in the closet where we put them 25 years ago.